Here are the actual song lyrics.
NOTE: Lyrics in Italics denote lyrics that were
sung.
Lyrics:
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
living in a box under the stairs in the corner of
the basement half a block down the street from
Jerry’s Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and
everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that
every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut
for breakfast
Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It wa driving me crazy
I said to my mom
I said Hey, mom, what’s with all the sauerkraut?
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an
oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said IT’S GOOD FOR YOU
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a
funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I
was twenty six and a half years old
That’s when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and
travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air
smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their
ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your
back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn’t long at
all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station
had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of
molecules in Leonard Nimoy’s butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand
prize
That’s right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Oh yeah
You know, I’d never been on a real airplane
before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large
Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body
odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin’ up
the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and
salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly
Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines
burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a
hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and
everybody died
Except for me
You know why?
‘Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin’ wreckage
I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full
days
Draggin’ along my big leather suitcase and my
garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound
bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark
snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous
Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the
ashtrays if you wanna
It’s OK, they’re clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down
the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I’m just about to eat that little chocolate
mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly,
there’s a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say Who is it?
No answer
Who is it?
There’s no answer
WHO IS IT?
They’re not sayin’ anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and
just as I suspected
It’s some big fat hermaphrodite with a
Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I’m right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my
lucky snorkel
And I’m like Hey, you can’t have that
That snorkel’s been just like a snorkel to me
And he’s like Tough
And I’m like Give it
And he’s like Make me
And I’m like ‘Kay
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my
eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a
colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone
got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar
voice
And you know what it said?
I’ll tell you what it said
It said
If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and
try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your
operator
If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and
try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your
operator
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with
my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there
that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the
one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut
shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says Yeah, what do ya want?
I said You got any glazed donuts?
He said No, we’re outta glazed donuts
I said You got any jelly donuts?
He said No, we’re outta jelly donuts
I said You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?
He said No, we’re outta Bavarian cream-filled
donuts
I said You got any cinnamon rolls?
He said No, we’re outta cinnamon rolls
I said You got any apple fritters?
He said No, we’re outta apple fritters
I said You got any bear claws?
He said Wait a minute, I’ll go check
No, we’re outta bear claws
I said Well, in that case - in that case, what do
you have?
He says All I got right now is this box of one
dozen starving, crazed weasels
I said OK, I’ll take that
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and
the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start
bitin’ me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin’ me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time
that a little ditty started goin’ through my head
I believe it went a little something like this .
. .
Doh
Get ‘em off me
Get ‘em off me
Oh
No, get ‘em off, get ‘em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get ‘em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating
weasels all over my face
Wavin’ my arms all around and just runnin’,
runnin’, runnin’
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, that’s exactly when I
ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight
overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I’ll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said Hey, you’ve got weasels on your face
That’s when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored
dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and
Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the
Columbia Record Club?
I said Woah, hold on now, baby
I’m just not ready for that kinda commitment
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that’s just the way things go
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin’ upi for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my
lifelong dream
That’s right, I got me a part-time job at The
Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put
that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after
that
I was gettin’ a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin’ to remove my excess earwax with a golf
pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin’ to carry a big
ol’ sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say Hey, you want me to
help you with that?
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a
chainsaw
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
He’s like Hey man, I was just being sarcastic
Well, that’s just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I’m not a mind reader for cryin’ out loud
Besides, now he’s got a really cute nickname -
Torso-Boy
So what’s he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he
hasn’t had a bit in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of
his jugular vein
And he’s yellin’ and screamin’ and bleeding all
over
And I’m like Hey, come on, don’tcha get it?
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk,
bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of
the whole situation
Man, some people just can’t take a joke, you
know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it’s kinda been a roundabout way
of saying it
But I guess the whole point I’m tryin’ to make
here is
I hate sauerkraut
That’s all I’m really tryin’ to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your
pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in
knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up
universe of ours
There’s still a little place called
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
I said A (A)
L (L)
B (B)
U (U)
querque (querque)
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
(belch)
Here are the lyrics from the album booklet.
NOTE: The following lyrics are type exactly as
they appear in the booklet.
Lyrics:
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
living in a box under the stairs in a corner of
the basement of the house half a block down
the street from Jerr’s Bait Shop… You know
the place… Well anyway, back then life was
going swell and everything was juuuuust
peachy… except of course for the undeniable
fact that every single morning my mother
would . . . you know what? The rest of these
lyrics
aren’t gonna fit on here. There’s just no room
left. What a drag, huh? I guess we didn’t plan
this out very well . . . probably should’ve used
a
smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some-
thing. Sorry. We all feel just horrible about
this.
Well, I guess you’ll just have to listen really
carefully
and try to figure out the words for yourself.
Good luck.
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